I Asked My Boyfriend for a Brief Break From Sex. He Promised to Back Off. Then He Did Something I Can’t Forgive.

How to Do It It’s a really concerning pattern. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Mariia Vitkovska/Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, I’m trying to decide if continuing to stay with my boyfriend of seven years makes me a total loser. Our relationship has had many issues (nothing violent, he never yells at me) but recently things have gotten to a breaking point. I’ve been having health issues recently, and that, combined with a break in trust, contributed to us not being intimate for over a month. My boyfriend never complains or asks, but will eagerly engage if we start kissing, etc. Sometimes too eagerly. It’s long been a problem for us that he is “too eager” during sex and will continue on without being aware of my discomfort. More than once, he has not even noticed me crying during sex (not out of pain—it was more emotional). It took me a while to talk to him about these issues and since then he’s always been extremely apologetic, but never really changes. He is never forceful but always overexcited and acts without thinking. A few weeks ago, we were kissing and he started to touch my breasts. It made me uncomfortable and for once, I actually outright said, ”I don’t want to be touched like that right now, especially with everything going on with my health.” He said he totally understood and stopped immediately. I told him I was interested in still doing things for him however. About a week later (while we were kissing again), he reached down my shorts and started to touch me. After a moment of surprise, I stopped him and said again, “I told you I didn’t want to be touched right now.” He became so upset with himself that he was in tears (this is rare for him), acknowledged I had said that, and apologized profusely. We had a very long, emotional conversation about boundaries, intimate touch vs. touching to start something sexual, and exactly what I was and wasn’t comfortable with. He looked me in my eyes and said with such sincerity, “Nothing like this will ever happen again.” Well, guess what happened? About a week and a half after that, we were sitting together and he started to kiss me. I felt nervous already because of what had happened last time. After about a minute or two, he had his hand up my shirt, tugging at my chest. As soon as I stopped him, everything fell apart. He has been nothing but remorseful and apologetic. He has written me long note after long note expressing his realization of his faults as a person and going through the other problems in our relationship. A part of me believes him, but another part of me doesn’t believe anything he says. Am I pathetic for staying with this man? I feel pathetic. Then I also think, maybe I’m overblowing things? Maybe what’s happened isn’t so bad? I can’t stop thinking about him swearing to me that he would never hurt me in that way again, and then going ahead and doing it anyway. —Confused and Ashamed Dear Confused and Ashamed, If your gut is telling you that it’s not right for you to stay in this relationship; listen to it. I don’t think you’re making a big deal about nothing. This actually matters to you. Whether it would matter less to someone else or if someone would peer in from the outside and deem you overly sensitive is immaterial. You are aware of your needs and you can recognize that they aren’t being met. Your boyfriend is not giving you the consideration that you need, and you aren’t even asking for much. Comfort! About a month off from sex! Not to be groped! It’s not even like there is any ambiguity behind your request. You have a tangible, comprehensible reason. He’s just not prioritizing your needs. I also don’t think that you’re pathetic for staying so far. Forgiveness is a wonderful thing. You want to believe that your partner is up to the task. Breaking up isn’t easy, especially when you have been together for as long as you have. It absolutely makes sense to give something your all and really try to make it work, even if it doesn’t. That way, you won’t look back and blame yourself for not putting in the effort. I think that you know what you need and you should listen to yourself but these things take time to sort out. Sureness often requires a process. If your boyfriend were overeager once, that might be easier to forgive. In fact, if he misunderstood you saying, “I don’t want to be touched like that right now,” the first time, it might make sense to let that slide. “Right now” can mean right at this moment, or generally where you are in life, and if that wasn’t clear, you could understand the confusion. But this has happened so many times, even after a very clear conversation about boundaries and how your health is affecting your interest in sex. You kissed him, a great way of maintaining intimacy during a sexual downturn, and he kept pushing beyond those boundaries. What will it take for him to understand the seriousness of this? Maybe you breaking up with him or at least announcing your intentions to do so. But then, would you be surprised if he somehow violated your trust yet again? You ended your letter by saying that you “can’t stop thinking about him swearing to me that he would never hurt me in that way again, and then going ahead and doing it anyway.” Staying with him might make that a chronic condition. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, My wife and I own a sex shop. Business has been excellent this year, and as such we are considering giving each of our friends (12 people in our social circle) $200 gift cards they can use in our shop. The only thing we’re wondering is whether this type of gift is appropriate. Thoughts? —Happy Horny Holidays Dear Happy Horny Holidays, If your friends are already aware of your business and have remained friends with you nonetheless, they have tacitly accepted your line of work. And if that’s the case they will either snap up those gift cards eagerly or accept them graciously with no plans to cash them in, chalking this up to your eccentricity. It’s the thought that counts, and in this economy, a $200 gift is a rather large thought. If you run the sex shop, though (as in, you’re behind the counter ringing up customers), you are putting them in the particularly awkward position of having to show you what they are into or want to put in/on their erogenous zones. (I realize this is a big if, especially if your shop also has a website whose orders you aren’t directly involved in fulfilling.) If you haven’t gone there with them, either literally or at least in conversation, your gift is asking a lot from them. Perhaps too much for those on the more modest/prudish side. Also, there might be the perception that you are giving them this money so that they pick out something(s) in your store that exceed the cost and end up actually spending money there. In that case, they may wonder whom this gift is actually for. So some may think of your gift as tacky, but $200 is $200 and that’s generous. Try it out this year if you know your friends well enough to understand it won’t offend anyone and keep track of who redeems the cards. The results will let you know whether this should be a 2026 one-off or become an annual tradition. Help us keep giving the advice you crave every week. Slate Plus members get additional How to Do It columns each week. Sign up for Slate Plus now. Dear How to Do It, The time is changing this weekend and I have never quite figured out how to handle the seasonal depression of winter. One of the first things that takes a hit is my sex drive. It’s just so cold in our apartment that I barely want to do anything and I’m not feeling erotic when my toes feel like they’re gonna freeze off. Overall I try to stay active during the winter and that helps my general mood. But I’d love to not be a shell of myself during sex for the next three months and I’m sure my boyfriend would love that too. Any advice? —Solar Powered Dear Solar Powered, I’m not sure that there’s a way to spot treat the libido here—you have to take the seasonal affective disorder on more holistically. That might include purchasing a light therapy lamp. (Check out this Wirecutter piece on the best of the bunch. Their fave will run you about $190.) You could also get your blood levels checked to make sure you don’t have a Vitamin D deficiency. Supplements may be of aid there. A cold apartment is tough to solve for. Space heaters and slippers may be your friends. You should also check local laws. Depending on where you live and what kind of unit you inhabit, your landlord may be required to keep the heat above a certain temperature and if they aren’t, you can report them for some action. Another thing that helps me in the winter is to get outside as much as possible. When you’re bundled up, your sun exposure is a fraction of what you’ll get in the summer if you’re running around in next to nothing, but I think every little bit helps. Take a walk around the block when it’s sunny. Definitely keep working out. Consider a meditation practice. There are definitely things you can try to do to keep engaged with sex—talking about it (especially with a partner), actively thinking about it, watching porn, attempting to forge intimacy by cuddling/kissing even if you aren’t particularly horny. But I think this stuff is going to be much harder to do if you have absolutely no drive. SAD is known to affect the libido so you’re hardly an outlier. Get that in check and see if you can salvage your sex life—in that order. —Rich More Advice From Slate I’m a man in my 40s who’s having some problems with premature ejaculation. Because of health issues, SSRIs are off the table for me, and I am really not a fan of the numbing creams that desensitize my penis. The only thing that seems to work for me is drinking alcohol, which is obviously not an optimal solution. What else can I try? Advice Sex