How do you maintain a friendship with someone whose boyfriend is so horrible?

QuestionA friend of mine from school is in a long-term relationship with her boyfriend, whom neither I nor any of our mutual friends like.We’ve tried to be understanding and patient with him, but he is extremely sexist and misogynistic.We’re a small group of girls who have been friends for years, and this has led to all of us feeling belittled by him. He insults our intelligence constantly, hates not knowing something the rest of us know, and calls us names and shouts when he’s after a few drinks.Throughout all this, our friend has done nothing to shield us from her partner’s behaviour. In fact, she has often gone home early without him, leaving the rest of us and our own partners to deal with him. One of the girls in the group is a lesbian, whom he has also targeted when she arrives with her girlfriend. She also refuses to acknowledge his actions.READ MORERecently, another friend of mine confronted him about his behaviour, which he didn’t take well. This has ended up with the couple isolating themselves entirely from the group. We have not heard from or seen them since. I don’t care about him, but I fear the isolation may push her closer to him amid her loneliness.She doesn’t have many other friends – and whatever friends she does have, I fear her partner would get in the way of those friendships too.I don’t want to imagine how he treats her in private, given how I’ve seen him act around women in public. I am angry with her too for enabling her boyfriend, and her overall cowardice, but is there something to be done to ensure she is okay?How do you maintain a friendship with someone whose boyfriend is so horrible?AnswerYou ask about maintaining a friendship – and this is where your friendship survives or dies: when you so disapprove of her partner.It is very clear from your letter that the guy in question is insecure and his behaviour after drinking (shouting and name-calling) is cause for concern in an intimate relationship, so your friend might need at the very least a sounding board, or at worst a refuge in her future. To be her sounding board will require an openness and an acceptance that you currently don’t have, so to be her friend means you have some adjusting of your own to do.[ My partner is obsessed with ‘health optimisation’ culture – it’s taken the joy out of our lifeOpens in new window ]If this woman is to trust you with her fears and concerns, she will need to feel you are not sitting in judgment on her choices and not rushing in with advice or direction for her. In action, this means that you stay in contact with her, put effort into this and try to understand her need to stay in this relationship. If you continue to resent and disapprove of her partner, she will have to choose between you and her boyfriend – and, at this moment in time, she is choosing him.It may well be that she understands his vulnerability and need for validation and in return she feels needed and useful. Of course, there is also a duty of care to your friend – to be nearby and accessible if she finds herself in a difficult or controlling situation, and this is probably what you fear might happen. If you take this route – of friendship – the first step is to tackle your resistance to and disapproval of her boyfriend. The action here is acceptance – partial acceptance only goes so far and leaves you with residual anger and criticism.It is difficult to accept fully without understanding and compassion, so you may need to meet your friend, make every effort to fully understand her involvement in this relationship and try to get to know her boyfriend as a person. It is not necessary for you to like this man, but it is important to accept him as a human being – and this might be a starting point for connection. If she is to trust you not to attempt to rectify her choice, she might need evidence of your commitment to her, so regular contact is vital – with no hidden criticism or attempt to direct her away from the relationship. What you want is to be there for her if or when she looks for advice or needs support in dealing with the relationship, but this requires patience and compassion from you.Bearing witness is a powerful component of friendship, so do not underestimate its value. The effort you put into managing your own feelings is a huge contribution to the friendship, and your friend will be the beneficiary of knowing someone is willing to stand by her even in the most trying of situations.Friendship is reciprocal, so you can trust that in your time of need your friend will be there for you in a manner that accepts you fully – and that is a high-value item to have in your repository.To send your question to Trish Murphy, fill in the form below or email tellmeaboutit@irishtimes.com