Eight signs your marriage will last (and why arguing is one of them)

When it comes to predicting whether a marriage will last, it isn’t necessarily the couples who never argue who have the strongest relationships. In fact, according to relationship counsellors, some of the most telling signs are found in what happens after the disagreement — and in the seemingly mundane moments of everyday married life. “People often have a very romanticised idea of what makes a marriage successful,” says relationship counsellor Alison Cooper. “They assume lasting couples are constantly happy, deeply passionate and rarely disagree. In reality, a healthy long-term relationship is much more about how two people respond to each other when life isn’t going perfectly.” From being able to compromise to appreciating the little things you do for each other, these are the signs an expert says could indicate your marriage has strong foundations. Shorts You can have an argument without threatening the relationship Disagreements are inevitable in any long-term relationship. What matters, says psychodynamic therapist Indira Chima, is whether couples can disagree without making each other feel that the marriage itself is at risk. Chima explains, “The ability to compromise is a good sign that the marriage will last. We can’t have everything our way and need to find a third way – a way that works for both people. It allows for solutions that work for the relationship rather than one person.” A couple who can say, “I’m really angry with you, but I still love you and we’ll work this out,” is in a very different position from one where every argument becomes a threat of separation. You genuinely like each other Love may be the foundation of a marriage, but friendship is often what keeps it functioning over decades. “Ask yourself whether you actually enjoy your partner’s company,” says Cooper. “Do you enjoy talking? Would you still choose to spend time together if there were no household responsibilities forcing you to?” That doesn’t mean couples need to share every hobby. “It’s about having genuine affection and curiosity towards the other person. You still want to know what they’re thinking.” You are both emotionally mature Long-lasting relationships require a degree of emotional safety and maturity, according to BACP-registered therapist Lisa Bruton. “Individuals who can think about their own needs and voice them in a grown-up way is positive and leads to constructive discussions about their relationship; where it is going and what it needs to thrive.” Bruton adds: “Some individuals find it tricky to talk about their own emotional needs because this was missed in some way in childhood and then one day they find themselves in an adult/romantic relationship and lack the emotional language for it.” If this is the case, she advises that you talk things through with a therapist to give yourself the best chance of your relationship going the distance and not feeling the need to flee at the first sign of trouble. Showing affection in ordinary moments Grand romantic gestures can be lovely, but it’s often the small expressions of affection that matter more over the long term. “Affection doesn’t have to be sexual or dramatic,” says Cooper. “It’s putting your hand on your partner’s back as you walk past, making them a cup of tea, kissing them goodbye or sitting close together.” Cooper adds: “Couples can become very efficient at running a household together while forgetting to actually connect with each other. That’s when the relationship can start to feel more like a business partnership.” What matters, says psychodynamic therapist Indira Chima, is whether couples can disagree without making each other feel that the marriage is at risk (Photo: Indira Chima) You’re still playful with each other When it comes to long-term relationships, sometimes we forget to be fun and playful. As Bruton says, “This isn’t about whether a couple shares the same sense of humour, but more whether they respond to their partner when they tell a joke or share a funny story. If a person readily initiates a humorous moment, this tells me that the relationship is safe enough to ‘play’ within.” If humour is hard for a couple to make part of their relationship, Bruton says it might mean that it is overly fragile, that there are patterns of oversensitivity or worse, non-engagement and complacency. “Also, humour is a great diffuser of tension, so can be a real asset in a relationship,” says Bruton. You actually engage with each other Sometimes it’s easy to let what your partner says become background noise. But Bruton says, “By taking an interest in what you are saying, be it banal or something difficult or important, you are showing that the other person matters, that their internal world is of interest to you. This means in turn, of course, that your partner is more likely to offer the same back.” Bruton says, if a couple can continue to be curious about one another, this is a very positive sign from a therapist’s perspective. You’re realistic about how hard relationships can be When you’re in it for the long haul, relationships are not all sunshine and rainbows. As Bruton says, when a couple come to her with a shared understanding of their difficulties, this is much more promising. Bruton says, “When I am hearing a couple describe what is challenging about their relationship, I am looking out for a mature perspective that can hold that relationships are difficult, that disagreements are natural, that some conversations are hard. If someone harbours a view that difficulty is a sign of something wrong, or that other couples ‘don’t struggle with this’, this might be the sign of an immature or erroneous idea of what adult relationships entail.” Allowing for a change in balance In any relationship, there will be times when one person’s career, health or family responsibilities take precedence and may need to take up more “room” within the relationship. Bruton says allowing for these moments is important. “Ideally, both parties can allow for potential changes, and even discuss what it is like for them. Where there is excessive imbalance, or when a person really struggles to show up for the other, this shows that they struggle with the partnership and sharing aspect of a couple, and [that] would need to be worked on.”