Could your difficult boss, colleague or family member be ageing you faster? What a study found and how to cope

People who make life difficult for you are, well, everywhere. Unless you choose to live like a recluse, you’re bound to encounter challenging interpersonal relationships that make you feel worn out after each interaction.And that weariness may be more than just a passing feeling. Researchers have found that difficult individuals, or “hasslers” as they call them, can have a negative impact on your health – more specifically, your rate of biological ageing. In a study involving more than 2,300 adults, researchers from New York University (NYU) discovered that having a difficult person in your close social network could increase biological ageing by 1.5 per cent – or the equivalent of about nine months. Your biological age reflects how well your body functions compared to the average markers for your age – and it can be younger or older than your calendar age. Interestingly, there was no association between spouses and faster ageing. More on that in a bit. In a study, nearly 30 per cent of participants reported having at least one difficult person in their close social networks. (Photo: iStock/Filmstax) The study, led by Byungkyu Lee, an assistant professor of sociology at NYU, surveyed the participants and collected saliva samples to analyse their biological ages. “(Nearly) 30 per cent of individuals report having at least one hassler in their network”, wrote the researchers in the peer-reviewed journal Proceedings Of The National Academy Of Sciences. Meanwhile, 10 per cent had two or more toxic people in their lives. Dealing with difficult people can be a frequent occurrence. But do some challenging interpersonal relationships age you more than others? More importantly, how do you reset your emotions after interacting with them? HOW DO DIFFICULT PEOPLE AGE YOU?That red-hot sensation and increased heart rate you get when you’re engaging with an unpleasant individual? Those are your coping responses to stress, said Adrian Toh, the president of Singapore Psychological Society and a registered clinical psychologist. “This is normal and can be helpful in the short term,” he said. “However, when interpersonal stress becomes frequent or prolonged, particularly without sufficient opportunities for recovery, it may place a cumulative burden on your physical and psychological wellbeing.”Often, it is not just that one remark that ages you overnight, said Serene Lee, a psychotherapist and the founder of counselling centre ICCT.sg. “Imagine being around someone unpredictable. You end up walking on eggshells and when your body's stuck in stress mode 24/7 and never gets a break, it can affect your sleep, mood, and basically, everything about how you feel.” Being around someone unpredictable can cause your body to be trapped in stress mode, which can have adverse effects on your health. (Photo: iStock/Ake Ngiamsanguan) Indeed, the study noted that “chronic stress is a well-established driver of biological ageing” by influencing gene activity that regulates inflammation and ageing. And the impact goes beyond that.“You might feel more worried, get upset easily, feel emotionally tired, or find yourself replaying conversations long after they have ended, even remembering all those great things you wish you had said three hours too late,” said Lee. Physically, “your body may also respond with headaches, muscle tension, digestive problems, restless nights, tiredness or changes in appetite.”What can further drive the stress is your emotional closeness to the person, said Andrea Chan, the group head of TOUCH Counselling & Psychological Services. “Because these individuals are part of your close circles, cutting them out would mean making drastic changes to your lifestyle or life. Hence, this brings about a sense of helplessness in you, and that feeling can cause severe, prolonged stress that can ultimately accelerate physical and mental ageing.”The closeness can also determine the emotional weight of the person’s comments. “A rude remark from someone you don’t know might bother you for a few minutes; the same words from someone important to you can affect you for days because their opinion counts,” said Lee. But don’t take the study as a sign to start avoiding people, said Toh. “We should interpret these findings carefully,” he recommended. “The researchers found an association between difficult social relationships and biological markers of ageing, but this does not establish that difficult people directly cause us to age faster.” Healthy ageing is not just about looking after our bodies, but also about cultivating and maintaining healthy relationships. (Photo: iStock/Aaron Amat) Toh also highlighted “the importance of close, supportive relationships for our long-term health and happiness” as shown in decades-long research, including the Harvard Study of Adult Development. “The broader message is that healthy ageing is not just about looking after our bodies, but also about cultivating and maintaining healthy relationships.”WHO COUNTS AS A “HASSLER”?Toh preferred “interpersonal difficulties” rather than “hasslers” or “difficult people”. “The term 'difficult person' is quite subjective,” he said. “Different people may interpret and respond to the same behaviour differently, depending on their expectations, experiences and circumstances. For example, you may view direct feedback as constructive and helpful, while another person may experience it as overly critical.”Lee agreed. “Sometimes, it is about how two people interact and what has happened between them over time. Think of it this way: a cactus is not trying to hurt you but it can prick when you are too close.” Regardless of labels, you feel a certain way about them. Chan defined these individuals as uncompromising, aggressive, pessimistic, constantly criticising, and have no respect for personal boundaries and time. And it’s not just family and close friends. It could be the colleague who always pushes back on new tasks. Or the supervisor whose feedback often sounds like barbs. Perhaps it’s the next-door neighbour, whose massive piles of personal items have spilled over to your side of the corridor. It may even be the same commuter you encounter on the bus daily – the one who persists to chat loudly on the phone, despite the new laws. It’s not just family and close friends who can be hasslers; it may be the same commuter you encounter on the bus daily – the one who persists to chat loudly on the phone. (Photo: iStock/goc) Not everyone who causes you stress is inherently a bad person. “Sometimes, that person is also someone we love or respect,” said Lee. “You can love your mother and still feel tense when she calls. Or you respect your boss but feel a knot in your stomach when his or her name appears on your phone. And that is exactly what makes these relationships so complicated – love and stress can happen at the same time in the same relationship.”WHY DID SPOUSES NOT COUNT IN THE STUDY?Your spouse may drive you up the wall on a daily basis but he or she also offers some positive effects of marriage, according to the NYU study. They include emotional intimacy, shared routines and mutual support that can buffer or offset the stress caused by a difficult partner. “This shows something interesting about how relationships work: the people who test our patience and push us to our limits can also bring the most meaning and joy into our lives,” said Toh. “Our bodies don’t simply keep a scorecard of every annoying thing someone does. What counts is the bigger picture of our relationship. Is there affection, support and give-and-take alongside the stress? Those positive experiences can help buffer some of the strain.” Although the study didn’t link difficult spousal relationships with accelerated biological ageing, it does not mean that marital conflict is harmless. (Photo: iStock/Pony Wang) Lee highlighted that although the study did not link difficult spousal relationships with accelerated biological ageing, it does not mean that marital conflict is harmless. “Other research has linked relationship strain with poorer psychological and physical health.”What about other groups such as children or colleagues? Wouldn’t they offer reciprocity, too? “A child struggling academically in school may give you grey hairs and sleepless nights of worry, but that same child may hug you unexpectedly and remind you why all that worrying feels worthwhile,” said Lee.But surface-level perks from a difficult colleague rarely cut it, said Chan. “A colleague buying food is a nice gesture but it doesn't neutralise the passive-aggressiveness, poor communication, or anxiety they cause at work. It ultimately comes down to a subconscious cost-benefit analysis in our minds: is buying team lunch really enough to offset the daily friction of working with a difficult colleague?” Instead of seeing your child's tough moments as parenting failures, reframe them as learning opportunities. (Photo: iStock/Deepak Sethi) IS IT LIFE IN GENERAL OR INTERACTING WITH CERTAIN PEOPLE THAT’S STRESSFUL?“Disagreements are a normal part of human relationships,” said Toh. “We become more concerned when interactions repeatedly involve hostility, belittling, intimidation or disregard for personal boundaries – particularly when these experiences begin to affect someone's emotional wellbeing or daily functioning.”To figure out which is which, said Lee, look for patterns. Are you struggling to sleep well before you see them? Do you get anxious when they text or call you? Do you usually feel tired, stressed, or upset after hanging out with them but more relaxed when they are not around?“Instead of torturing yourself with questions like, ‘Is this person causing all my stress?’, change the script. Ask what practical steps you can take to address the stress,” said Lee. STAY CALM AND CARRY ON You can't avoid unpleasant interactions in life. Instead, try to better navigate them with these scenario-specific strategies from the experts:Ageing parents – Serene Lee, a psychotherapist and the founder of counselling centre ICCT.sg, suggested looking past behaviours such as nagging and ask what is really going on. “Maybe it is anxiety, loneliness, physical pain or just needing someone to listen to them.” And sometimes, saying less to the nagging is more. "Replying, 'I hear you, Ma', is enough," she said.It is also okay to establish limits if you feel that the boundaries are crossed, said Andrea Chan, the group head of TOUCH Counselling & Psychological Services. "You could say, ‘I care about you, Pa. But stop using vulgarities on me. If you continue, I would not be able to go for dinner with you tonight’.”Children – Instead of seeing your child's tough moments, such as poor grades, as parenting failures, reframe them as learning opportunities, suggested Lee. Be supportive by asking questions such as, "What went wrong here? What can we learn from this? What can we do next?", she said. “This way, your child builds his or her own sense of responsibility and toughness, while feeling confident that you are right there supporting them through it all.”At other times, setting and enforcing boundaries are essential in parenting, said Chan. “Time out, physical distance and personal self-care time are important for both you and your child.” Colleagues – You don’t have to be best friends with all your colleagues, said Chan. “Find your own support system in the workplace, people who are positive and motivate you to do better.”Lee agreed. “Sometimes, the ‘we are not friends but we work well together’ arrangement is perfectly healthy for a work relationship.” What’s important, she added, is “maintaining clear expectations, communicating openly, and staying away from unnecessary gossip and drama”. Bosses – It’s better to concentrate on the things within your power, said Lee. When work goes awry, “make your expectations crystal clear, write down key guidelines, and avoid responding when emotions are running high”. Chan suggested reflecting to figure out what rubbed you the wrong way. “Ask yourself questions like, ‘How can I avoid those moments?’ and ‘What is making me stay in this job?’. These questions will help you see beyond the person, and find the bigger purpose for staying in the role.”However, if the behaviour becomes bullying, discriminatory or seriously affects your wellbeing, said Lee, it is no longer about learning to cope. “That is when you need to reach out to the right people in your organisation or bring in a professional to help.”Neighbours – Got a noisy family living above you? Lee advised to focus on what someone's doing rather than who they are. “For example, asking, ‘Would you mind turning down the music after 11pm?’ would usually work better than saying, ‘You are so inconsiderate’. Remember, you may win tonight’s argument but you are still going to meet each other at the lift tomorrow morning.”Social groups – “Not everyone in your community has to become your friend,” said Lee. “Stay respectful without letting yourself get dragged into every conflict or gossip circle.” For example, when someone asks, “You also cannot stand him or her, right?”, it is usually an invitation to more stress, not relief, Lee said. “Their mood, opinions and behaviour do not always require a reaction from you.” Collapse Expand HOW DO YOU RECOVER AFTER EACH INTERACTION?It is important to recognise that feeling frustrated, upset or disappointed after a challenging interaction is a normal human response, said Toh. “We do not have to expect ourselves to remain calm or unaffected all the time. What matters is how we respond to those emotions and allow ourselves to recover.”One useful step, said Toh, is emotional regulation. “When our emotions are particularly intense, it may be better to return to the conversation after we have had an opportunity to settle down.” That could mean, suggested Lee, taking a quick walk, breathing slowly, taking a shower, listening to music, working out, or simply sitting quietly for 10 minutes. “Another helpful approach is to practise empathy and consider alternative explanations for the other person's behaviour,” said Toh. “Rather than immediately assume negative intentions from the other party, ask yourself whether there were other circumstances that could explain what happened.” Reflection may become rumination when you hold onto tough moments way past their expiration dates. (Photo: iStock/Filmstax) But, be aware that reflection may sometimes become rumination. “We have this habit of holding onto tough moments way past their expiration dates – even after the person who caused the stress has left, and is completely unaware that he or she is still renting space in our heads,” said Lee. To tell the two apart, Toh explained that reflection will let you learn from an experience, whereas replaying an upsetting encounter without moving towards resolution will only prolong your emotional distress.Last but not least, practise self-compassion. “We may not always handle difficult interactions perfectly, and it is important not to become overly critical of ourselves,” said Toh. Instead, acknowledge how you feel, reflect on what you might do differently, and move forward.The goal, said Lee, is not to become a person who never gets upset by difficult people. “That is probably not possible. A better goal is to bounce back faster, let the interaction go without carrying it around with you, and stop letting someone else's actions control how the rest of your day goes.”