As a pediatrician, loss of human connection is the biggest threat to kids, not AI

We have become obsessed with the idea that screens are destroying human connection.The evidence seems to be everywhere. Each week headlines warn of teenagers addicted to phones, a loneliness epidemic and the dangers of AI. The release of The Social Reckoning has leads us to ask, “How bad were those guys at Meta?” and then ultimately wonder, “How bad am I if I still use Instagram?” In our day-to-day, we observe workers eating lunch alone while scrolling and friends choosing online games over offline gatherings.But what if we are focusing on the wrong problem?The greatest threat to connection may not be technology itself. It may be our growing unwillingness to curiously, thoughtfully and openly communicate about the role technology plays in our lives.As a pediatrician, this issue often manifests in my clinic. Parents arrive with worries about their teens’ screen time. The parent will demand that their child “fess up” and reveal how many hours they waste on their phone every day. The atmosphere is immediately charged. The teen becomes defensive. The parent is frustrated.I often suggest that we start somewhere else.I ask: “Can you share a little about what you do when you are using technology? What do you enjoy? Are there things about your technology use you are worried about and willing to discuss?”The answers are not usually what people expect. One teen tells me about the friendships she maintained on social media after moving to a new town. Another shows me videos he created to promote his school’s upcoming play. One shares how digital design tools are changing the fashion industry, so she is trying to learn about them now. Another quietly admits that gaming has become so consuming that it feels stressful.As the conversation unfolds, something changes. The tension in the room eases. Parents relax. The teen patient might even smile a few times. We talk about strategies, relationships, stress and health.What began as an argument about a device becomes a bigger conversation about health, relationships and life itself.It often feels that our conversations about technology have become trapped in a false choice between two extreme camps. One camp is made up of the pro-tech enthusiasts, thought to embrace every new device or platform. The other camp is comprised of preachers of digital abstinence.‘What obligations do technology companies have to children?’ Photograph: Feature China/Future Publishing/Getty ImagesThe result is a polarized debate dominated by blame, shame and moral judgment. Instead of asking how technology affects our relationships, our sleep, our work, our wellbeing, we argue endlessly about whether technology is “good” or “bad”.I was reminded of this recently during a community event focused on digital media. The event included a youth panel with several brave adolescents, willing to speak to an audience of their teachers, community members and parents. I asked the adolescents a question: could you describe a positive conversation you had with a parent about technology?Every single panelist shook their head.“I’ve never had that,” one teenager said, uneasily eyeing her mom who was sitting in the front row. The other panelists agreed.It was a striking moment. Parents routinely talk their children through setbacks in sports, clubs, friendships and school. They listen, ask questions and offer support. Yet when it comes to technology, many conversations begin and end with warnings, criticism or fear.skip past newsletter promotionafter newsletter promotionWhy is this?For years, parents have been barraged by alarming headlines about screen time and mental health. Many parents worry there is probably only one right way to approach technology, and they’re failing miserably. Parents are also navigating the necessity of using their own devices for work, home and communication.The real anxious generation just might be parents.So how do we fix this? The solution begins with curiosity. Parents can ask what interests their children have online, and why those interests matter. Parents can ask their kids about what questions or worries they have about their tech use, and share some of their own concerns. If a parent missteps by scrolling cute cat videos and delaying dinner, they can acknowledge it and make it a teachable moment for themselves and their kids.Because children do not need adults who have all the answers.They need adults willing to ask questions.These conversations matter because they lower the temperature of the debate. Once we move beyond panic and polarization, we can begin asking better questions on the societal level. How should digital platforms be designed to ensure safety? What obligations do technology companies have to children? What policies would support healthier digital environments?If we want to preserve human connection in the age of social media and AI, the answer is not to simply spend less time with technology. It is spending more time talking openly with one another. The irony of the current moment is that as we worry endlessly about technology pulling us apart, it might be our inability to have conversations about technology that ultimately divides us.Megan Moreno, MD, MSEd, MPH, is a co-author of Connecting: Raising Kids in the Digital World, published by the American Academy of Pediatrics on 13 October.