Another Man Is Dictating What I Do in My Marriage. It’s Hot, But It Feels Risky.

How to Do It Will this weaken our connection? Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous! Dear How to Do It, My wife of about 30 years started “hotwifing” seven years ago, and we both continue to get huge thrills from this; it’s super fun for her to play, which she does a LOT, and for me to hear her stories. A year ago, one of her dom bulls asked her to temporarily deny me intercourse, which she did for a week or so, and which somewhat to my surprise, I found intensely exciting. Now it’s been a year, and it is still very exciting for me. She still tells me her stories, but now I only get hand jobs from her, as she tells me I can’t penetrate her. She enjoys it too. It’s fun and hot, but might it hurt us long-term and weaken our sense of connection, intimacy, and commitment? —Denied and Loving It Dear Denied and Loving It, Anything has some potential to hurt a marriage long-term in the ways that you express concern about. It’s a question of how significant that risk is in terms of likelihood and impact, and of mitigating potential harm by setting yourself up for success, keeping an eye on the state of your relationship, and taking steps to resolve issues if they start to appear. To that end, outside of a sexual context, let your wife know that you’re having some concerns around this, and sit together and articulate what connection, intimacy, and commitment look like and feel like to each of you. What do these words mean, and what do each of you feel when these aspects are present in the relationship? How does each of you express connection and intimacy toward the other, described in concrete actions? And, for the sake of thoroughness, revisit your commitments to each other. Then make sure to continue engaging in those actions, noticing and appreciating the relevant emotions in yourselves and each other, and, crucially, flagging something if it feels off long before it becomes a complicated tangle so you can work through it as a team. How exactly the two of you have these talks and check-ins will depend on what works best for you both and your relationship. For some, it’s a formal monthly check-in. For others, it’s small moments throughout each week that work so seamlessly they never become explicitly practiced. You’ve been together for 30 years, so you have a lengthy history to draw from regarding what works best for you, and you probably have similar frameworks for household responsibilities and general emotions. You may even have existing frameworks for sexual interactions and the structure of your relationship. You’ve got this, and when your mitigation strategies are settled, make sure to enjoy everything that your wife’s hotwifing has to offer the relationship. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don’t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear How to Do It, What does it mean for someone with a vagina to “feel” someone’s penis inside them? I ask because I’m someone whose size isn’t necessarily conducive to that kind of sensation; I’m four inches erect and maybe over three inches around if I had to guesstimate. I’m well aware that penetration isn’t everything for most people and that there are ways to create pleasure with what I have, but I’ve also read that the feeling of fullness is a major factor that can make sex with a smaller partner less enjoyable. So what are the specifics of that? And what kinds of techniques can help? I’m still young and inexperienced and don’t really have the money to start investing in toys yet. —Not Closing the Gap Dear Not Closing the Gap, You are correct that most people with vaginas require more than penetration to have a great time during sex. Many are quite flexible on whether orgasm happens at all during penetration. You’re also correct that there are ways for you to use your objectively small penis to give pleasure during vaginal penetration. Additionally, though less often, some people with vaginas prefer to skip penetration entirely for a variety of reasons, and some are so tight (an example of this is the condition vaginismus) that any fullness is painful, or that (and this is very relevant in your case) a three-inch diameter penis is far more ideal than one of larger thickness. Meaning that there are people in the world who will feel plenty of fullness without any special effort from either of you; your own penis will be, subjectively, the exact right size. One major asset you have here is your own sense of reality about your dimensions, and if you can combine that with a practice of understanding the preferences and anatomy of the partner in front of you during each sexual interaction, you will be well positioned to work together to find what feels best for both of you. When people are able to articulate in detail what it is about fullness that feels good, they usually tend to describe simply the fact of that sensation, the pressure and stimulation that it creates in the lower front wall of the vagina (where the G-spot is located, and something that you can angle toward with your penis to replicate without necessarily needing a certain girth), and occasionally a kinkier layer of feeling stuffed, which can tie into submitting to the act (which, if you’re interested in softer power dynamics or control, you can often satisfy through more psychological means or with other parts of your body). Gleaning this information relies partly on your partner’s ability to share it with you. You can also choose positions where your partner’s legs are squeezed together, crossed, or otherwise have their body arranged in a way that compresses their pelvic bowl and lower abdomen. Another tactic is to insert fingers—yours or theirs—along with your penis. You’ll want to add a bit of extra lubricant in that case, and be aware that some people aren’t on board with either the emotional connotations of having a penis plus fingers inside themselves simultaneously, or find fingers themselves unpleasant due to the boniness. It’s a learning process, both in when it comes to gaining general experience and applying what you do know to each new partner. Share Your Story With How to Do It! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point our How to Do It writers make, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each month, Jessica and Rich will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers. Write to us! Dear How to Do It, I just learned that my boyfriend has a kink for domination, which I have no problem with. The trouble is that leather gives me skin rashes, and many of the outfits associated with being a dom are leather. Fake leather causes rashes for me as well. What are some options that don’t involve leather—fake or real—but that can still allow me to pull off the proper look? —Appearance Matters Dear Appearance Matters, Latex is as classic as leather. However, because leather and fake leather give you rashes, and latex garments can get very pricey, I’d borrow or buy something small made from latex that you can wear on a sensitive part of your skin for several hours, ideally in conditions that are both hot and sweaty for some portion of that time, before you invest in a whole getup. If you’re feeling any tingling, odd coldness, itching, or seeing a visible reaction, cross latex off your list as well. And if you know you have reactions to latex gloves or condoms, don’t even risk the trial run. Polyvinyl chloride (PVC) is another archetypal material. Significant concerns about toxicity have been raised, but deciding whether a risk is worth taking is a personal choice. Garments made from PVC are also known to sometimes cause rashes, so again, test the material with something small before spending serious money. Otherwise, color palette and design can make most materials work, especially if you can display the confidence and authority to back it up. Unless the costuming of it all is a crucial part of the fun for your boyfriend or yourself, you can dominate while wearing ratty sweatpants, pink lace and marabou, plaid flannel, or utterly stark naked. To that end, the more you know about what defines dominance for your boyfriend, the more efficiently you can make styling choices (and vocabulary and demeanor decisions during the scene). —Jessica More Advice From Slate I’m an attractive and intelligent woman in my mid-30s. To a certain extent, I know these things to be true. I’ve worked for 15 years as a successful commercial model, and I have a master’s degree and an above-average IQ. I’m in incredible shape. Also important to add: I definitely don’t come across as modest or sexually conservative. I post lingerie and bikini selfies. I get a lot of emotional and intellectual fulfillment from my relationships with friends and family. When I date, my primary interest is finding partners who excite me physically and fulfill me sexually. For reasons I don’t understand, I rarely attract these men anymore. Advice Sex