A Baffling Trend Is Overtaking the Weddings in My Life. It’s All One Elaborate Scheme.

Dear Prudence Is this a new phenomenon? Advice by Enter your email to receive alerts for this author. Sign in or create an account to better manage your email preferences. Unsubscribe from email alerts Are you sure you want to unsubscribe from email alerts for Jenée Desmond-Harris? Aug 28, 20266:00 AM Photo illustration by Slate. Photos by Getty Images Plus. Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. Dear Prudence, During the pandemic, many felt obligated to have their nuptials over Zoom. Now we are being invited “secondhand” to many weddings over Zoom. Oh yes, there are the Chosen in the intimate circle, with the party and fancy reception. But there is a second group included only by Zoom invitation, and included on the invite is the bridal registry and option to Zelle or Apple Pay gifts to the adorable couple. For some of these weddings, we have not even known the bride or groom, only the parents! Additionally, these very same couples may include you in “the remote” shower invites. I feel that when I decline these Zoom invites, I may be hurting people’s feelings or damaging my relationships with the parents of said couples. Is there a way to decline gracefully? It may sound like I am being stingy, but believe me, I am pleased to help young couples get started in a beautiful new journey together. Still, it seems to me that you shouldn’t be made to feel obligated to do so. It seems that perhaps up to hundreds of others are being included over Zoom in an attempt to increase the overall haul. Is this a new phenomenon?! —Over the Zoom Dear Over the Zoom, Despite writing an advice column, I really don’t often find myself in the role of the etiquette police because I don’t care that much if someone breaks an old-fashioned rule if doing so doesn’t harm anyone. But this crosses a line! Having two tiers of guests for a wedding is pretty tacky and very mean. I’ve only been to a couple of weddings in recent years, so I had to check in with my Slate colleagues to see whether what you’re describing is actually the new normal. I’m pleased to report back that it is not. A sampling of their responses: “JESUS! I have not heard of this” —Rebecca Onion “Oh wow this sucks lol” —Madeline Thames-Ducharne “I would burn my computer at the first invitation to one of these” —Scaachi Koul So, it’s safe to say this is not a widespread new phenomenon that you need to accept. It’s possible that it can be explained (not excused, but explained) by something other than a calculated scheme to get more gifts while paying for fewer chicken breasts, though: Maybe your friends—the parents of the bride or groom—really wanted their friends to be included but the physical space and budget didn’t allow for it, so they proposed the bad compromise of a digital invitation. Or maybe (I doubt it and I hope not!) you’re in that category of relatives who couples worry will cause a scene at the reception by drinking too much and acting wild, or spewing hateful views that hurt other guests. Either way, the great news is that you are free to decline (you have book club at the time of the reception, right? *wink*) and actually you should decline if the idea of logging in from the virtual cheap seats doesn’t fill you with a warm and fuzzy feeling. I know you’re worried this will upset your friends, but you’ll have to let that go. After all, they didn’t worry about how you would feel about the snub of a Zoom-only invitation. Then you have to check in with yourself: When you think about the couple getting married and your relationship to them and imagine adding something special to your cart from the Pottery Barn website, do you feel excited about the young couple starting their new life with a beautiful new set of pots and pans that will remind them of you when they use them? Or do you feel resentful that their plan to cash in without including you in real-life worked? If the latter applies even a little bit, RSVP “no,” don’t bother looking for the registry link, and let go of any concerns about how people who don’t play by the rules or consider others’ feelings will react. Please keep questions short (<150 words), and don‘t submit the same question to multiple columns. We are unable to edit or remove questions after publication. Use pseudonyms to maintain anonymity. Your submission may be used in other Slate advice columns and may be edited for publication. Dear Prudence, I come from a conservative family in a conservative country. My family is influential back in our country. I have been mostly in the U.S. since I started college for my undergraduate degree, and have one semester left in graduate school. My older brother has also been in the U.S. for years but has yet to complete his undergraduate studies. I am expected to be my brother’s lieutenant as he prepares to take over the family business interests. The problem is he is in no way capable of doing this. He has zero responsibility, integrity, or work ethic. In our culture, this does not matter because he is older. However, he is also gay, which matters a ton in our culture. If I threaten to out him, I could probably force him to stay in the U.S., and I could return to run our business. I could provide for him forever. If he returns to our country and is outed (a high probability because he is very careless), the family business would likely collapse, and we would be displaced. If it were just me, I would choose to stay in the U.S. and make my own way. However, there are dozens of family members and hundreds of employees tied to our business interests. For them, it would be an economic catastrophe. I do love my brother, and I don’t care that he is gay, but I can’t imagine a scenario in which his returning is not a disaster for many people. The idea of threatening to out him is gross, but I don’t see another way. —Torn Between Two Worlds Dear Torn Between Two Worlds, Presumably, your brother knows as much as you do about your home country’s homophobic culture, the oppression he would face there, and the potential consequences of the business collapsing. It feels like he’s also likely aware that living there and taking on a high-profile role would mean hiding his sexual identity and not having a very good time. Could you approach him to discuss all this and propose a solution (you would take over the business and provide for him while he lives his authentic life in the States) rather than treating him as an adversary? It seems like it would be a pretty good deal for him, so it’s worth asking. If he refuses, do not out him. It’s cruel, it might not even achieve your goals, and it could lead to a cascade of suffering and negative consequences that you haven’t even anticipated. Instead, as tough as it is, you’ll have to sit back and hope for the best, accepting that it’s possible that your worst fears will become reality and everything will come crashing down. But even in this scenario, you wouldn’t be completely helpless, and you wouldn’t have to abandon your concern for the many people touched by your family’s business. As your brother’s lieutenant, you’d still be fairly powerful. And it sounds like, at least for now, there’s plenty of money available to you. Is there any way you could leverage this to start a foundation, NGO, or even just a personal savings account with the idea of supporting people (your relatives and employees, but also similarly situated people) who have fallen on hard times? I’m not sure exactly how this would be structured, but it seems clear from your letter that you have access to some resources and you care about the plight of others. It would be rewarding to tap into those things in a way that could make a difference (even if it’s just a small one) instead of trying to manipulate personal, cultural, and business dynamics that you almost certainly will never be able to control. Prudie Wants to Hear From You! Readers often have great suggestions for our letter writers, occasionally disagree with a point Prudie makes, or simply want to provide some additional advice. Each week, Prudie will be replying to some of these comments and suggestions from readers, which will be featured on the site on Fridays for Slate Plus members. Write to us! Or submit a question here. Dear Prudence, Our daughter is in her 30s and married to a man in his 50s. They have a toddler together. He has three adult children in their 20s who have a very frosty relationship with our daughter and her child. My husband and I strongly suspect that it is plain greed over their dad’s estate. My daughter and son-in-law have both made comments about the kids being nasty about their half-sibling and calling them a “spoiled brat” or complaining about having to pay for their own cars or rent. Any overtures like graduation gifts or event invitations to holidays get ignored or not acknowledged. The divorce happened when the kids were young, and their mother remarried within the year. They have no problem with their stepfather or other half-siblings, it seems. My husband and I are in the process of selling some family property and want to start a college fund for our grandchild. The problem is that currently two of the older kids are engaged and fighting with each other and their father over the wedding budget. He makes decent money, but not enough to shell out thousands and thousands without a thought. Our daughter went part-time to stay home with the baby, so their income is less now. We don’t want to be dragged into this mess, especially from people who wouldn’t even think to invite us or even remember our names. My husband wants to just inform our daughter about the fund and ask her to keep it a secret, but I feel it is unacceptable to ask a spouse to keep information like that from their partner. At the same time, explaining later on why we didn’t tell our daughter and son-in-law is its own can of worms. This will only happen once. We don’t have any other grandchildren, and my daughter isn’t having any more. How do we do this? —College Fund Dear College Fund, Just start the college fund! Talk to your accountant or financial advisor about how to set it up, but I’m certain there’s a way to set the money aside in a way that doesn’t require getting everyone on board, let alone giving any access to the funds right now. You have about 15 years until tuition is due, and I’m very hopeful that some of these tensions will be resolved by then. Certainly the parents won’t be upset to find out they have some money to fall back on for their child’s tuition. Classic Prudie I’ve been dating the love of my life for about a year and a half. For about half of that time he’s been in grad school and the other half he’s spent looking for work in his field. Right now he has a low-paying job that keeps him at poverty level and leaves him unable to pay his credit card or student loan debts.The problem? He just got a job offer 1,300 miles away. Advice Dear Prudence Weddings