7 ‘bad’ things your kids do that actually mean you’re a good parent

Parenting experts say that sometimes the signs that we’re raising good kids don’t look how we might expect them. Here are some counterintuitive, seemingly negative behaviors we sometimes see in kids that are actually bright green flags that Mom and Dad are doing a bang-up job. 1. You get the worst of them It’s frustrating to get great reports from school about your kid’s behavior, only for them to fall apart, rebel, and act out the second they walk through the door. But it doesn’t mean the teachers are doing a better job at raising your kids than you are. On the contrary: “When they are out there in the world at school, playing sports, with friends or extended family they see the best version. Oh, so not fair. But it is true we get the unpolished, tired and cranky version. That is a compliment,” says Dr. Jennifer Politis, therapist and founder of Wellness Counseling. “It means home aka YOU is the one place they trust enough to stop performing. Kids who never fall apart at home often don’t feel safe enough anywhere to be their unfiltered selves.” 2. They push back on your rules You might think that kids raised properly will follow rules, be obedient, and have immense respect for their parents’ instructions. The experts say not so. “A teen who argues ‘why do I have a curfew at 11’ while they still walk in the door at 10:59pm and on time is practicing healthy norms of testing boundaries,” says Politis. “Seeing how far they can push things verbally instead of acting them out. The negotiation is how they build their own internal dialogue instead of just complying ‘just because.’” 3. They talk to you about the bad stuff they did “If a teen tells you about a fight with a friend, a bad grade, something they said to someone that wasn’t nice, that’s evidence you’ve built a solid relationship where honesty feels safer than hiding,” Politis says. All kids make mistakes. The problem is when parents focus more on the act than on the fact that their kid felt comfortable enough to come to them with the problem. “At that moment they are more interested in being heard than getting in trouble. Or I should say they risk possibly getting in trouble to share something important.” Christina Mathieson, LMFT and founder of My Mental Climb, adds: “When your kid comes to you and says they broke something, made a mistake, or got in trouble at school, that willingness to hand you the hard stuff is one of the strongest signs you’ve built a safe relationship. It means the consequence at home isn’t so frightening that hiding feels safer than honesty. The single best way to protect that into the teenage years is to start your response with ‘thank you for telling me,’ before you problem-solve, before any consequence, before the lecture.” 4. They don’t want to be around you It’s painful, but it’s true. Teens pulling away from their parents is the most natural and normal thing in the world, even when the pair have a great relationship. Maybe even especially. “It is normal developmentally at this stage to prefer to hang with their friends and peers,” says author and parenting writer Joanna Schroeder. “It is normal for them to pull away from their parents, talk less to them and only speak when spoken to. I know that one hurts but it is developmentally appropriate.” You can still have an amazing relationship and effective parenting even when they’d rather hang out with other people. 5. They don’t care about your approval We want our kids to make us proud. We want them to want to make us proud. But it’s actually normal and healthy if their desire to earn your approval begins to fade over time. “When kids are little, they constantly look back at us: Did you see that? Was that good? Are you proud of me?” says Mark Papadas, speaker, author, and founder of I AM 4 Kids. “Over time, you want some of that validation to move inward.” A need for parental approval that continues deep into adulthood can sometimes have a negative effect on happiness and well-being. Even if it’s tough for us as parents to let it go. 6. They call you out for your mistakes There are no perfect people, and parents are no different. How adults handle their mistakes in front of the kids is a critical aspect of parenting. And even though it might be embarrassing or uncomfortable, it can be a good thing when our kids proactively pick up—and call out—our screw ups. “A lot of parents think good parenting means hiding our mistakes from our children. In most cases, I think the opposite is true,” says Papadas. “When a parent can say, ‘I was wrong. I handled that badly. I’m sorry,’ a child learns something much more useful than ‘Mom and Dad never mess up.’” If they really feel safe and confident, they might even recognize your mistakes before you do. And when they bring it up, it’s an amazing learning opportunity. “They learn that mistakes don’t have to become identity. You can make a mistake without becoming ‘I AM a bad person.’ You can own it, repair it, learn from it and try again,” Papadas adds. “That may be one of the healthiest lessons we can model.” 7. They tell you ‘No‘ It’d be great if our kids were always game to hang out, snuggle on the couch, go to a movie, talk about their feelings, or whatever we want them to do. It also wouldn’t be normal or healthy. Turns out, hearing frequent “No’s” from your children is a sign that they’re learning to express their preferences and autonomy. “A child who says ‘no’ to a hug, kiss, or even an activity. While it might be difficult for us to hear ‘no,’ the child is saying ‘no’ to meet their need,” says Jen Lumanlan, parenting educator, writer, and podcaster at Your Parenting Mojo. “The hug or kiss might feel uncomfortable to them, and most parents want kids to have bodily autonomy. They might not have realized how busy their schedule was and need more rest, or that they wouldn’t like a class taught in a particular way, or that they find some skills are more fun to learn by tinkering than through lessons. Each ‘no’ is a learning experience.” Parents put a lot of stress on themselves trying to discern whether they’re doing a good enough job. It’s nice to be reminded that perfect parenting isn’t real, and sometimes conflict, tension, and uncomfortable moments with our kids are actually a sign that we’re doing just fine.